But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
You Might Also Like
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
lol
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.