Knuckle tats:
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
God has abandoned us.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.