My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above