Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
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Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.