Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
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Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?