If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.