I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You Might Also Like
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”