So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
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[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.