My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.