@BradBroaddus

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

@XplodingUnicorn

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

@KentWGraham

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

@bigmacher

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

@DanTaylorAuthor

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

@deegeemindi

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

@TravLeBlanc

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”