@BradBroaddus
@Marlebean They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
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@Marlebean 
@Reverend_Scott WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
@XplodingUnicorn I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
@KentWGraham Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
@bigmacher I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
@DanTaylorAuthor I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
@deegeemindi My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
@TravLeBlanc Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
@DaddyJew Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
@Boleyngirly My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”