I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I know this now 😂
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”