They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”