Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
You Might Also Like
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes