Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
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*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.