I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
car not found
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
In Canada they just call them geese
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.