You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
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So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Challenge accepted.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Ghost costume 😂
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.