How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.