This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that