One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
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Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.