If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret