I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard