i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
no cat here
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
💻🤡
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.