My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter