When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
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I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you