I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
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BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise