*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.