Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My current situation
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??