My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.