Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Batman v Dracula
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
He’s dead
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.