him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
You Might Also Like
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.