[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.