Rich People Podcasts are wild.
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[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel