bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
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6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.