My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
my mom making me talk to relatives
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.