mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
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The days of good grammer has went
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.