Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Me, at front door: I鈥檓 going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who鈥檚 that?
Me: It鈥檚 me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN鈥橳 HELP
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 馃槇
Humans shouldn鈥檛 come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Salesperson: Hi ma鈥檃m can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don鈥檛 do what you say; use it wisely.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
when people say they鈥檙e into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren鈥檛 real