Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.