date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Aaaa…CHOO!
*offers Batman cough drops*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.