[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir