Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
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A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I was bored.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.