Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
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Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Perfect
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.