Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan