[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking