I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
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Mornin
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”