“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Accurate
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.