whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads