I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.