[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
moms in horror movies
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers