Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.