Travel bloggers during quarantine
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Donkey Kong sommelier
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that