[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
shit just got real
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.