Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
You Might Also Like
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Me, flirting😏
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*