I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Good morning, Twitter x
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.