Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
You Might Also Like
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.